Or sometimes I’d like to be.
Actually, I just want to get turned on.
Nothing seems to do it lately.
Someone turn me on.

I was standing outside of a club last night with a guy who I had dated for a hot minute and hadn’t seen in 6 months and he agressively sticks his hands down my pants and starts to fuck my ass with his finger in front of everyone. Well, no one was really watching but it was titillating to be getting fucked with people around. But that’s just the voyerist in me. Later, he threw me all over the place while in bed but it wasn’t as much fun as finger in the butt in front of the club.

My libido has been on the fritz, or maybe it’s just shut down.
I have no physical desire for that matter no emotional desire to connect with anyone.

Or at least it did mine. I was a dominatrix for Halloween and it was a hot costume but man my back hurts.
On another note, I hate the people at my work.

I am torn by insecurity. I will be out of a job in 4 weeks and I am too proud to even tell anyone or should I say beg anyone for a job. I am not a paper pusher or it would be easy to click and apply to random low paying jobs. Once you reach a certain echelon in your career you don’t just take any ol job. I wonder if that’s what the bums on the street thought too and eventually they woke up one day with nothing because they were too proud.
It reminds me of the preachers at church speaking about the evilness of pride. And here I am holding so much of it. But I haven’t been to church in years, maybe I should I go back. Or at least that’s what one guy on here thinks. (you know who you are)
It’s frustrating and scary to be in a place of need, not want but need. I need to get a new job I need to make a certain amount of money. But I want to continue in the creative field I am in. I think to the rest of the world, people in entertainment are a joke. We don’t have real jobs, we play and you know what…a lot that is true. But we struggle too, to keep our jobs, to get better ones, we swim with the sharks and the guppies who surpass us. For example, this girl in my office who has been in my business a fraction of the time I have, just became my boss last week and she’s 5 years my junior. That’s the breaks in this business, it’s not all fucking your assistant and having drinks with Bruckheimer. It’s a mind fuck a lot of the times. It can break your spirit quickly. I feel many days like this one, that it is breaking my spririt.
Feel free to comment.

My crush that is. He hung around hovering, prolonging conversation that was completely uneeded. I don’t know if I am just reading into the situation. But I dreamt about him last night, I never dream about men unless they have emotionally tortured me.
I light on fire when he is near me.

So Jake the other guy from the elmentary school drama called me. This is two weeks after the big blow up. And of course, he wants to go out. Which translates to “I want to finish off where we started and fuck you.” There is definitely some intrigue on my side but it’s mutual in that it’s strictly physical. Let me give you a break down of Jake.
Morose, alcoholic, musician with no intent to settle down at the age of 30. Basically a recipe for fucking and that’s it.
But it was suprising that the very next day after Jake contacted me, Tom contacted me. I must be on the minds of these poor boys.
If you are confused start with the post titled “Adventures in finding the penis”

On a new guy that is in town from New York. Leave it to me to fall for a guy that is going to be gone in a few months. I wonder if this is a sign of my committment phobia. I really don’t have a problem with C Phobe. For me it’s the fear of falling for someone who doesn’t return the feelings, you know all that heart break stuff.
He walked into my office today and I tried not to act differently, sometimes I blush without knowing and it was so strange as I was staring at the pendant around his neck I was slowly walking towards him as if his tracking field was pulling me in. I finally stopped before bumping noses with him. But god I really wanted to stand below him batting my eyes and bask in the pure chemistry that my body was radiating. You know when you feel that overwhelming urge that pulls on every fiber of your body. It’s more common when one is intoxicated but the sober edition is much more satisfying.

But I didn’t get to see it.
He was hiding it behind his desk.
A part of me really wanted to see it and more than that have him come over here and fuck me on my desk.
God, that is so naughty isn’t it? He could pull my skirt up over my underwear and throw my legs back. And our office is all windows but you can only see out, so he could fuck me as if the world was watching. I am definitly tapping into my voyeristic side.

Back to: Tom where is your penis.
By this point I am miffed with the lack of honesty from Tom on why I can’t touch or see his penis. But I continue to talk to him on a daily basis. He sets plans for us to take Jake out for his birthday. I haven’t seen Jake since the first time we reconnected a few weeks prior. I arrive at the bar where the two men are and immediately Tom is being passive aggressive with me saying things like “what’s wrong with you”, when there was nothing wrong with me at all.
I turn my attention to Jake who has a much more pleasant demeanor about him. It’s obvious Jake is flirting with me and Tom is squirming over this. But here’s how I see it, if I am with Tom really with him then shouldn’t he cut that shit off before it begins. He saw Jake flirting. Maybe he should take Jake aside and talk to him. But alas he does nothing.
So as the night progresses every word out of Tom’s mouth is something negative and he has had seven or eight drinks, he is wasted! Despite that, we all decide to bar hop around town and after arriving at the third bar, Jake and I are outside smoking a cigarette. Suddenly, Jake grabs me pulling me into him and kisses me. At that very moment Tom walks out catching us. Now it may look like I am the slut but come on, Tom has not made anything clear about our relationship and remember I haven’t even seen his penis. We end our embrace and Tom makes some snide remark but is too drunk to gather his thoughts. Before things have a chance to escalate I make the suggestion we should leave. We are back at Tom’s house and Jake grabs his guitar to play it but before he can Tom starts ranting about how “maybe Jake should take me back to my house and play guitar for me there”. Jake and I ignore his drunken comments which seems to infuriate Tom further. I excuse myself to the restroom in hopes of squashing the situation. But as I sit on the toilet peeing, I hear Tom rail into Jake. He starts calling me a ho and a slut. And though I am drunk, as I sit there and pee, I am hurt. I can’t decide what I am going to do because I am drunk too and my car is at the first restaurant. I exit the restroom without a sign of disparage and ask to get a taxi. Both Jake and Tom jump out of there seats as if this would be such a shock that I would want to leave. Jake offers to drive me to my car and at hearing this Tom blows his lid. He throws his cell phone at the wall and a full scale argument ensues about Jake kissing me. We are in the foyer in Tom’s apartment and I am standing there with my purse as I watch these two guys from elementary school go at each other throwing each other against walls. It is truly a surreal moment. Tom proceeds to throw Jake’s guitar outside and push the two of us out of the house slamming the door in our faces.